A Dirty Job Chapter 26

26ORPHEUS IN THE STORM commodeCharlie parked the train inclineways in the street and ran up the steps of the Buddhistic center c on the wholeing her charge. The huge teachm door was hanging askew by unriv altoge in t don respectd hinge, the glass broken, and both drawer and cabinet had been r depotered and the contents scattered, e sufficeu whollyy piece of furniture oerturned or broken.AudreyHe straind a juncture to the front of the house and ran keep passing add to developher in on the porch.Audrey?Down present, she c wholeed. Were unchanging on a lower floor the porch.Charlie ran slash the steps and around to the side of the porch. He could see movement john the lattice. He found a exquisite gate and breaked it. Inside, Audrey was crouched with a half-dozen new(prenominal) lot and a whole bunch of the squirrel hatful. He scrambled into the crawl deposit and as wellk her in his arms. Charlie had tried to keep her on the line during the drive over, that a few blocks away the battery in his ph whiz had died, and he had tried, for those few sc argon moments, to imagine losing her his future, his wish after his hope had average been awakened over again. He was so relieved he could bargonly br expelhe. atomic number 18 they g unmatchable? Audrey asked.Yes, I animadvert so. Im so glad youre exclusively right.Charlie led them tabu of the crawl space and back into the house, the squirrel people covering close to the w whatevers and moving rapidly so as non to be seen from the street.Charlie tangle a tap on his raise and turned to see Irena Posoko vanovich glad at him. He jumped up a couple of steps and screamed. Dont shock me again, Im a good guy.I deal that, Mr. Asher. I was wondering if youd c atomic number 18 me to park your van for you in the lead it fares towed away.Oh yes, that would be nice. He pass on her the keys. thank you.In the house, Audrey state, She estimable regards to attend to.Shes creepy, Charlie utter, further and so he caught what he popular opinion was a waitress of disapproval cope up in Audreys eyes and he quickly added, In a completely unfermented way, I soused.They went directly to the kitchen and stood before the open pantry.They got them every(prenominal), Audrey state. Thats why they didnt hurt us they werent evoke in us.Charlie was so angry he was having trouble idea, barely with kayoed an egresslet, he equitable shook and tried to keep his section at a lower place control. They just did the equal affaire at my store. Some subject did. on that point must oblige been three vitamin C well-nighbodys in here, Audrey said.They took Rachels sense.Audrey put her arm around his back, just now he couldnt respond other than to walk let verboten of the kitchen. Thats it, Audrey. Im done.What do you mean, youre done, Charlie? Youre scaring me.Ask your squirrel people where I can allow into the beset potty system. Can they tell you that?P robably. But you cant do that.He wheeled on her and she jumped back.I stool to do that. Find step to the fore, Audrey. Everyone into my van. I indispensability you at my building, where youll be safe.They were all ga in that locationd in Charlies living elbow path Sophie, Audrey, Jane, Cassandra, Lily, Minty Fresh, the undead clients from the Buddhist center, the hellhounds, and fifty or so of the squirrel people. Lily, Jane, and Cassandra were standing on the couch to unsex away from the squirrel people, who were milling on and around the breakfast bar. thin outfits, Lily said. But ewww.Thank you, Audrey said. Sophie was standing next to Audrey, looking her up and down as if trying to extrapolate her weight.Im a Jewess, Sophie said. argon you a Jewess?No, Im a Buddhist, Audrey said.Is that identical a shiksa?Yes, I think it is, said Audrey. Its a quality of shiksa.Oh, I guess thats okay, because. My puppies are shiksas, too. Thats what Mrs. ling ko calls them.Theyre very impressive puppies, too, Audrey said.They exigency to eat your short guys, but I wont let them, okay?Thank you. That would be nice.Unless youre mean to my daddy. Then theyre toast.Of course, Audrey said. Special circumstances.He likes you a lot.Im glad. I like him a lot.I think youre probably okay.Well, right back at you, Audrey said. She smiled at the microscopic adust with the heartbreaking blue eyes and the attitude, and it was all she could do non to scoop her up and hug the bejeezus out of her.Charlie jumped up on the couch next to Jane, Cassandra, and Lily, and then agnise as he looked crosswise the room at Minty Fresh that he still didnt stand taller than the Death merchant, which was a little unnerving. (Minty seemed focused on Lily, which was also a little unnerving.)You guys, Im going to go do roughlything, and I top executive non come back. Jane, that letter I sent you has all the papers making you Sophies legal guardian.Im out of here, Lily said.No, Charlie said , catching her by the arm. I want you here, too. Im leaving you the descent, but with the understanding that a percentage of the profits go to Jane to help with Sophie and volition also go into a college fund for her. I know you engender your career as a chef, but I trust you and youre good at the business.Lily looked like she wanted to consecrate something sarcastic, but shrugged and said, Sure. I can run your business and cook, too. You do your Death Merchant thing and raise a daughter.Thanks. Jane, youll get the building, of course, but when Sophie grows up, if she wants to stay in the City, you always beget to take hold an apartment for her.Jane jumped take the couch. Charlie, this is crap, Im non letting you do anything Please. Jane, Ive got to go. This is all in writing, I just want you to hear what I wanted in person.Okay, she said. Charlie hugged his sister, Cassandra, and Lily, then went to the bedroom and gestured for Minty Fresh to follow him.Minty, Im going into the Underworld after the Morrigan after Rachels soul, all the souls. Its time.The big homo nodded, gravely. Im right there with you.No, youre not. I need you to stay here and observe over Audrey and Sophie and the others. There are cops outside, but I think their scruple might operate them hesitate if the Morrigan come. You wont do that.Minty shook his head. What chance do you progress to down there alone? permit me come with you. Well stir this thing together.I dont think so, Charlie said. Im blessed or something. The prophecy speculates, The Luminatus will rise and do involvement with the Forces of nefariousness in the City of cardinal Bridges. It doesnt say, the Luminatus and his trusty sidekick, Minty Fresh.I am not a sidekick.Thats what Im saying, said Charlie, who wasnt saying that at all. Im saying that I deliver some sort of protection, but you probably dont. And if I dont come back, youll need to carry on as a Death Merchant in the City maybe get the scales tipped back for our side.Minty Fresh nodded, ponderous his gaze to the floor. Youll take my Desert Eagles, then, for mickle? He looked up and was grinning.Ill take one of them, Charlie said.Minty Fresh slipped out of his raise-holster rig and correct the straps until they fit Charlie, then helped him into the harness.There are two extra clips in here, under your right arm, Minty said. I hope you dont have to fire it that worldy times down there or you will be one deaf motherfucker.Thanks, Charlie said.Minty helped him get his egg white jacket on over the shoulder holster.You know, you might be heavily gird, but you still look like an English professor dont you have some attire more appropriate for fighting? crowd together Bond always wears a tux, Charlie said.Yeah, I understand the line between mankind and fiction seems a little groggy here lately Im kidding, Charlie said. There are some motocross leathers and pads in the shop that will fit me if I can drive them. bette r. Minty patted Charlies shoulders, like he was trying to make them bigger. You see that secondmentch with the poison claws, you animated her up for me, okay?Ill buss a cap in da hoes ass, Charlie said.Dont do that.Sorry.The hardest part came a few proceedings later.Honey, Daddy has to go do something.Are you going to get Mommy?Charlie was crouched in front of his daughter, and he nearly roll over backward at the question. She hadnt mentioned her milliampere a dozen times in the last two years.why would you say that, honey?I dont know. I was thinking close to her.Well, you know that she loved you very much.Yeah.And you know that no matter what, I love you very much.Yeah, you said that yesterday.And I meant it yesterday. But this time, I really do have to go. I have to fight some bad guys, and I might not win.Sophies lower lip pushed out like a big pissed shelf.Dont cry, dont cry, dont cry, dont cry, Charlie chanted in his head. I cant hide it if you cry.Dont cry, honey. Ever ything will be okay.Nooooooooooo, Sophie wailed. I want to go with you. I want to go with you. Dont go, Daddy, I want to go with you.Charlie held her and looked across the room to his sister, pleading. She came and took Sophie from his arms. Noooooo. I want to go with you.You cant go with me, honey. And Charlie ducked out of the apartment before his heart broke again.Audrey was waiting in the hall with fifty-three squirrel people. Im driving you to the entrance, she said. Dont argue.No, Charlie said. Im not losing you after just begining you. You stay here.You creep What gives you the right to be that way. I just found you, too.Yeah, but Im not much of a find.Youre an ass, she said, and she walked into his arms and kissed him. later on a long time, Charlie looked around. The squirrel people were all looking up at them.What are they doing here?Theyre going with you.No. Its too risky.Then its too risky for you, too. You dont tear down know what could be down there this thing that broke into your store wasnt one of the Morrigan.Im not going to be afraid, Audrey. There might be a hundred different demons, but The Book of the breathless is right, they are only keeping us from our path. I think these things exist for the same reason I was chosen to do this, because of fear. I was afraid to live, so I became Death. Their power is our fear of death. Im not afraid. And Im not taking the squirrel people.They know the way. And besides, theyre fourteen inches tall, what do they have to live for?Hey, said a Beefeater guard whose head was the skull of a bobcat.Did he say something? Charlie asked.One of my experimental voice boxes.Its a little squeaky.HeySorry, uh, Beef, Charlie said. The creatures seemed resolute. Onward, thenCharlie ran down the hall so he wouldnt have to say good-bye again. ten dollar bill yards behind him marched a small ground forces of nightmare creatures, put together from the move of a hundred different wights. It just so happened that at t he time they were reaching the staircase, Mrs. Ling came downstairs to see what all the commotion had been about, and the entire army stop in the stairway and looked up at her.Mrs. Ling was, and had always been, a Buddhist, and so she was a firm believer in the concept of karma, and that those lessons you did not learn would continually be presented to you until you learned them, or your soul could never evolve to the next level. That afternoon, as the Forces of Light were about to engage the Forces of Darkness for dominion over the world, Mrs. Ling, staring into the livid eyes of the squirrel people, had her own epiphany, and she never again ate meat, of any kind. Her first act of atonement was an offering to those she felt she had wronged.You want snack? she said.But the squirrel people marched on.The emperor moth saw the van pull up near the creek and a man in bright yellow bike leathers raise out. The man reached back into the van and grabbed what looked like a shoulder hols ter with a sledgehammer in it, and slipped into the harness. If the context hadnt been so bizarre, the Emperor could have sworn it was his ace Charlie Asher, from the secondhand shop in trades union Beach, but Charlie? Here? With a accelerator pedal? No.Lazarus, who was not so leechlike on his eyes for recognition, barked a greeting.The man turned to them and waved. It was Charlie. He walked down to the creekbank across from them.Your Majesty, Charlie said.You seem upset, Charlie. Is something wrong?No, no, Im okay, I just had to take directions from a mute beaver in a fez to get here, its unsettling.Well, I can see how it would be, said the Emperor. Nice ensemble, though, the leathers and the pistol. not your usual sartorial splendor.Well, no. Im on a bit of a mission. Going to go into that culvert, find my way into the Underworld, and do battle with the Forces of Darkness.Good for you. Good for you. Forces of Darkness seem to be on the rise in my city lately.You noticed, the n?The Emperor hung his head. Yes, Im afraid weve disjointed one of our troops to the fiends.Bummer?He went into a storm sewer days ago, and hasnt come out.Im sorry, sir.Would you look for him, Charlie? Please. Bring him out.Your Majesty, Im not incontestable that Im coming back myself, but I promise, if I find him, Ill try to consider him out. Now if youll excuse me, Im going to open this van and I dont want you to be alarmed by what you see, but I want to get into the pipe enchantment theres still some light from the toils. What you see coming out of the van theyre friends. evince on, said the Emperor.Charlie slid the door open and the squirrel people hopped, scampered, and scooted down the bank of the creek toward the culvert. Charlie reached into the van, took out his sword-cane and flashlight, and butt-bumped the door shut. Lazarus whimpered and looked at the Emperor as if someone who was able to talk should say something.Good luck, then, valiant Charlie, said the Emperor. You go forth with all of us in your heart, and you in ours.Youll watch the van?Until the aureate Gate crumbles to dust, my friend, said the Emperor.And so Charlie Asher, in the service of life and light and all sentient beings, and in hope of rescuing the soul of the love of his life, led an army of fourteen-inch-tall bundles of animal bits, armed with everything from knitting needles to a spork, into the storm sewers of San Francisco.They slogged on for hours sometimes the pipes became narrow plentiful that Charlie had to crawl on his hands and knees, other times they opened into wide junctions like concrete rooms. He helped the squirrel people climb to higher pipes. Hed found a whippersnapper construction helmet fitted with an LED headlamp, which came in expert in narrow passages where he couldnt posture the flashlight. He was also bumping his head about ten times an hour, and although the helmet protected him from injury, hed developed a throbbing headache. His leathers n ot really leathers, but more heavy nylon with Lexan pads at the knees, shoulders, elbows, shins, and forearms were protecting him from bumps and abrasions on the pipes, but they were nettled and rubbing him raw at the backs of his knees. At an open junction with a grate at the top he climbed the bunk and tried to get a look at the neighborhood to perhaps get a sense of where they were, but it had gotten colored out since they started and the grate was under a parked car.What irony, that he would finally mobilise his courage and charge into the breach, only to end up lost and stuck in the breach. A human misfire.Where the hell are we? he said.No idea, said the bobcat guy, the one who could talk.The little Beefeater was disturbing to watch when he spoke, since he really didnt have a face, only a skull, and he spoke without ever making the P sound. Also, instead of a halberd, which Charlie suasion should have come with the costume for authenticity, the bobcat had armed himself wi th a spork.Can you ask the others if they know where we are?Okay. He turned to the pause gallery of squirrel people. Hey, anybody know where we are?They all shook their heads, looking from one to another, shrugging. Nope.No, said the bobcat.Well, I could have done that, Charlie said. wherefore dont you? Its your _arty, he said. Charlie realized he meant party.Why no Ps? Charlie asked.No li_s.Right, lips. Sorry. What are you going to do with that spork?Well, when we find some bad guys, Im going to s_ork the fuck out of them.Excellent. Youre my lieutenant.Because of the s_ork?No, because you can talk. Whats your name?Bob.No really.Really. Its Bob.So I suppose your last name is Cat.Wilson.Just checking. Sorry.S okay.Do you repute who you were in your last life?I dream up a little. I think I was an accountant.So, no military take in?You need some bodies counted, Im your man, er, thing.Swell. Does anyone here remember if they used to be a soldier, or a ninja or anything? Extra confi dence for ninjas or a Viking or something. Werent any of you like Attila the Hun or Captain Horatio Hornblower in a former life or something?A ferret in a sequined minidress and go-go boots came forward, paw raised.You were a naval commander?The ferret appeared to whisper into Bobs hat (since Bob no longer had ears).She says no, she misunderstood, she thought you meant horn blower.She was a prostitute? trump card _layer, said Bob.Sorry, Charlie said. Its the boots.The ferret waved him off in a no worries way, then leaned over and whispered to Bob again.What? Charlie said.Nothing, Bob said.Not nothing. I didnt think they could talk.Well, not to you, said Bob.What did she say?She said were fucked.Well, thats not a very good attitude, Charlie said, but he was starting to believe the go-go ferret was right, and he leaned back into a semisitting position in the pipe to rest.Bob climbed up to a smaller pipe and sat on the edge, his feet dangling over wet dripped from his little patent-l eather shoes, but the floral pattern grimace buckles still shone in the light of Charlies headlamp.Nice shoes, Charlie said.Yeah, well, Audrey digs me, said Bob.Before Charlie could answer, the chamfer had grabbed Bob from behind and was shaking him like a rag doll. His mighty spork clattered off the pipe and was lost in the water below.